My boyfriend is in complete agreement with me on this one.  The only difference is that he takes issue with a foreign object attempting to navigate his veins, while I draw the line at foreign objects breaking my skin in any way.  Needles hurt… and you will never convince me otherwise.  I don’t fully trust people who don’t agree with me on this.  It seems like if you don’t draw the line somewhere, you are essentially agreeing to self-mutilation which I think we all will agree generally places someone into the category of “crazy”. 

Anyway, he has had a tooth that has needed to be extracted for a solid week.  The needles were the issue.  I think if he’d been given the option he’d have requested that tooth be pulled with no numbing agent.  This somehow seems reasonable to me.  Of course, dentists being the crazy breed of medical experts they are thought we were both nuts and they loaded up a syringe with Novocaine which he was nice enough to text me about because it was mocking him for a solid ten minutes from the tray of torture devices dentists have never figured out don’t put your mind at ease.  Then the nurse called for me.  He’d had a panic attack.  A full-blown, couldn’t feel his arms and sweated through his shirt panic attack.  I entered the room and held his shaking, sweating hand.  He looked at me like I was expected to defend him.  I looked at the tray of torture devices and thought better of it.  (I don’t like to pick fights where my opponent has obviously more creative weaponry).  I patted him on the head and returned to the waiting room with the rest of the children.  I don’t know how we ended up in a pediatric dental office (actually, I do know how we ended up there… but that’s another story for another day).  Regardless, I sat there and finished reading “Highlights” magazine and pre-ordered the Pinkberry while my agent called me to nag about the impending doom of my next test which is a solid seven days away and I am determined not to deal with for another five.

First, why did I stop performing with guys in the first place.  I think it is safe to assume that the average porn starlet has a “shelf life” and that this is fairly common knowledge.  I have heard estimated of anywhere from 6 months – 2 years for this.  I entered the industry in April 2009 and worked sporadically for close to a year in the boy/girl market.  Some months I worked close to 25 days and others I worked just 1 or 2.  By the time I made the decision to quit performing with guys, I had performed in just two scenes in the preceding three months (and one of those I was a last-minute replacement).  There are a variety of reasons why I was not working frequently, but that can be saved for another day for the sake of avoiding my tendency to digress.  In any case, what I have always loved the most about performing is the opportunity to explore and express my still developing sexuality.  One of the conclusions I had come to after a year is that I absolutely love girls, and while I obviously like guys too… I prefer my sex with men to be on a more monogamous level.  It might also be fair to describe my appetite for women as voracious.  I swear, I find something incredibly sexy in just about every woman I meet.  I desire women and want them on a carnal level, and I just do not feel the same way about men if I do not know them more intimately.

I had also taken to heart the ubiquitous advice to only perform what you truly love to do on camera.  Well, I love to have sex with women.  I love to interact with my fans via live chats.  I love to talk dirty.  And porn guys are no different than normal guys in the sense that although most have figured out how to deliver a steady, rhythmic and “opened-up” pounding… not all of them fall can really deliver the experience I crave from penetration.  At least for me personally, I need an emotional connection to truly enjoy the sexual experience with a man.  I can be a complete perv, however, when it comes to the girls.

So, in February of 2009, I was barely performing boy/girl scenes that I only moderately found enhoyment in.  Now, back to the shelf life of the average performer.  Thanks to the tube sites, these few scenes were being blasted all over the internet where any consumer could watch them for free at their leisure.  The industry is slowing and production is down.  I am a bit of a workaholic.  I cannot just idly occupy myself while I wait for four or five days of work to trickle in.  So, I started shooting content.  (Actually, I shot a TON of content in this time period).  I got to play and lick and kiss and fuck so many beautiful girls in so many creative and beautiful ways I quite frankly became spoiled.  The fruits of my labors will be right here on my official site.

Now, the one difference between myself and many other porn performers is that I started my career in the adult industry as a stripper.  I loved the entire world of stripping… and I was damn good at it.  In fact, I have recently gone back to dancing and I still make more in a night in the club than I do for most scenes.  And I love dancing, too.  I’m a perfectly content naked ballerina.  So the obvious conclusion I reached at this point was that the odds were stacked against quitting boy/girl and entering the world of the girl/girl only performer.  I believe strongly in eliminating the weakest link.

Going girl/girl only was the best decision I ever made.  It was instantly noticeable how much happier and enthusiastic I was about pretty much everything.  The decision affected nearly every aspect of my life.  And the best part is that I was delivering the most scorching scenes ever.  Imagine that… the camera can tell when I’m just having a really good time.

So… why do the boy/girl scenes all of a sudden?  As I mentioned earlier, I only really enjoy sex with men if I have some emotional connection to them.  And don’t get me wrong… when I do, I love sex.  My fans have been requesting pretty much since the day I quit that I go back.  I happen to be very close to a particularly talented male performer and the idea entered my mind to do just a couple scenes this fall that I could pick and choose with just him.  I’d learned from shooting content scenes that I have a lot more fun in a scene if I could handcraft the details of the fantasy.  I decided to do one for Naughty America, the company that shot my very first scene, and then another one just fell into my lap last night and I decided to shoot for that company, as well, because I love the director.  And I have to say, I hope you guys enjoy them because they are two of the very best scenes I have ever shot (according to me).

I don’t know how to classify myself at this point as a performer.  I guess the best classification is I only perform in scenes I know I’ll love doing, with gender being a neutral topic.  I am aware I participate in an industry that craves the rigidity of the gender-based performance classification, but I am just refusing to comply.  Although, I’ve had a bit too much cock in the past couple of days and I’m off to fondle a beautiful girl lest I forget the gender that I like indiscriminately.

Like any caring girl would do, I took a shower, packed my bag and checked on him once more before I headed for set with assurances I would call and check on him.  I had been promised by the production manager that she would request on “Dog the Bounty Hunter’s wife” inspired makeup for me if I was late.  I’m not entirely sure what that means but I wanted to avoid it at all costs so I grabbed my tea and orange juice and made it to set ten minutes early just to be safe.  I’m sitting without air-conditioning when the girl I was supposed to perform my second scene cancelled, thereby pissing off the director.  Shit.  That worked well for me, though, as at this point it had been determined that I needed to bring aforementioned boy to the dentist as soon as possible.  I climbed into the makeup chair with a result that actually lends me to believe the threatened inspiration was carried out.  This director can shoot gold anytime, though, so no matter.

Things started to go haywire around noon, when the boy stopped answering his phone.  I envisioned collapsing arteries and strokes.  I continued to shoot.  I knocked out a solo scene with three ridiculous orgasms.  I called the boy four more times.  I called a Capri to have her check on him.  I took hardcore stills.  It was now four.  I was freaking out.  I had to get off this set before the doctor closed and I was pretty sure he was understandably livid.  I looked at my cell phone.  He was.

I’ve always said one of my strong points is knowing when to cut and run.  I called the scene.  Jana understood because she is an angel and if you don’t believe me just look at her.  If you still don’t believe me we can talk in the alley out back with my friend Tony.

So, that pretty much brings us to present because all that has happened in the interim is we got him antibiotics, frozen yogurt and Thai food.  He’s describing how he gets wood with the elderly to his dentist in our kitchen and I’m watching twink porn.

Anyway, I was reading through my comments.  I like to approve them individually and respond to each one, so you know that I know you’re listening.  Something struck me as odd this time around.  About half of the comments were essentially spam.  I don’t know why anyone would think I would approve their advertisement on my self-possessed little corner of the Internet.  After all, the whole point of a blog is to be be able to shamelessly plug myself in one way or another.  (Sharing my real life with you is in some way plugging my lifestyle choices with a one-sided arena in which to defend them.  Not that they need defending).  One particular comment exasperated me to no end, though.  Someone had the nerve to suggest a “better” tube site on which to watch my movies in response to a site that apparently is now charging for their clips.  I guess I have not been clear enough on my stance on tube sites, and lucky for me I am in just the forum to discuss this.

Tube sites are quite simply “stealing”.  Just because everyone else is stealing does not make it OK.  To add insult to injury, just because everyone else is stealing does not mean a shopkeeper is going to welcome a patron standing outside of their door and handing out pamphlets on the easiest way in which to steal from the store.  In fact, they would probably chase them off with a loaded shotgun.  I, personally, would start shooting from behind my counter with no warning.  But at this point, I think we all know I can have a bit of a temper.

I will save you the lecture on how tube sites effect the individual performer.  I’m sure you are smart enough to realize that the more content that is available instantly and free of charge, the less the production companies are going to be able to shoot new content because the market of consumers for them to sell to is that much smaller.  Obviously, the less the companies shoot, the less often I work.  And the less often I work, the less money I earn.  (Sadly, no, they did not double our rates.  In fact, they’ve generally lowered them).

How does this affect you?  Well, first of all, this is one of the big reasons I no longer shoot boy/girl scenes.  That’s right.  As usual, a handful has ruined it for all of you.  I will not be burned through this industry at a faster rate for less money because every time I go to work you can watch the fruits of my labor for free.  I have also noticed a disturbing pattern of “fans” who like to tell me personally how much they enjoyed a scene of me they just watched for free on some tube site.  Guess what?  I will write down your name and then promptly block you from contacting me.  I love to interact and engage with my fans, but I do no tolerate disrespect and that is just downright rude.  Yes, rub it in my face that you got a free wank, fucker.  I also refuse to shoot for companies that take it upon themselves to personally submit their scenes to tube sites, often tube sites which they themselves own and profit from.  Which means if you’re a member of one of these sites (and I have unknowingly shot for a few of these companies in the past) you will never see a new scene from me there again.

There is always a positive to every negative, however.  What this also means for you is that I have more time and energy to put into shooting scenes for my own site.  I am not expending all my energy shooting lackluster scenes and burning myself out.  Every single time I go to set I am well-rested, excited and have had the time to put some real creative thought into how I can tease and tantalize and make your fantasies come across the screen.  This extends to the scenes I shoot for other companies, as well.  I am happy to be working for the companies I do shoot for and proud of what we create and can share with you.  Essentially, I have eliminated all the crap to attempt to bring you the highest quality product possible.

And as the old adage goes, you get what you pay for.  (Unless it is reading my blog and letting me get to know you better, as well.  That always has been and always will be entirely and completely free…. unless you tell me how much you liked my scene you jerked off to last night on a tube site).

So, my statement was that I prefer to work with Girl/Girl only performers because they seem less likely to be “gay-for-pay” or they at least hide it a lot better.  This statement was quite obviously a blanket statement.  I’m well aware there are exceptions.  I think it is well known that one of the most beautiful and enthusiastic women in this industry to perform a lesbian scene with is Tori Black.  Michelle Lay and Allie Haze are amazing as well.  I could go on and on.  I, myself, greatly prefer to work with women.  I’ve always said that I like men and LOVE women.  That is the single largest reason I know longer perform with males.  But enough about me.

As one performer who is not worth naming pointed out, “but… then there are some girls who have done boy/girl and stop for their boyfriends… so then they are technically doing it for the money”.  (I tweaked the grammatical errors).  I’ll be the first to point out that that statement could easily be a thinly veiled jab in my direction.  Except, I am the best example of how that is frequently not the case.  (I will write an entire blog about why I no longer perform boy/girl scenes, I promise.  But I’m trying to stay on topic with this one).  But there is a point to be made that there are plenty of Girl/Girl only performers who are not in the least bit interested in girls but have other reasons for not performing Boy/Girl scenes.  There are too many variables to even consider here, but let it stand that anecdotally there are exceptions from both camps.

Now, let me clarify why I even made the statement in the first place.  To begin with, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was promptly trampled by my wet dog after her bath who pissed off the cat in the process and scratched the hell out of me.  Then I found out via Twitter that my agency had merged with another agency, and a director suggested that the intent of the merge was to lose the “dead weight” of Girl/Girl only performers.  I do not appreciate being referred to as “dead weight”, Christian.  (And you know I adore you).  So, this got me thinking.  I know there is a large segment of the porn viewing community that prefers to watch lesbian porn because they do not want another man’s penis in their fantasy.  Seems reasonable.  Now, I’m also aware that the general porn viewing community would prefer to watch a girl truly enjoying herself no matter what type of scene and showing her real sexuality on film… or being essentially humiliated and split open.  I don’t deal with the second one.  There doesn’t seem to be much middle ground.  Either way, I don’t think anyone wants to watch a truly bisexual or lesbian female performer struggle through the awkwardness of a scene with a truly straight performer.  Plus, as the aforementioned bisexual performer, I do not perform what I would consider a “great” scene when I feel like I am essentially raping my counterpart for money.  Yes, I used the R word.  I don’t do well with awkwardness.  The camera can tell.

So, now back to my original statement that I prefer to work with Girl/Girl only performers because that stacks the odds statistically, although admittedly not anectdotally, in my favor.  I do not pick my own talent.  A producer calls my agent and books me with another performer of their choosing.  They have all types of considerations in mind when selecting talent for a scene, but for reasons that make complete business sense, my exact preference is not one of them.  In fact, they will never even know what my preferences are unless they happen to read my blog.  (By the way, I like cute, petite blondes with natural breasts and brunette MILFS).  My agent then calls me with the booking and I find out who I’m working with the day before.  No problem.  Now under these constraints, and in my experience, it is much more likely that the girl is going to be sexually interested and enthusiastic about having sex with another girl if she is Girl/Girl only.  But I’m never going to complain if you book me with Tori Black.

Hugs and Kisses!

I treated myself with my standard remedy for any sickness and stayed in my bed until afternoon when I was coaxed out to lie on a roof.  I’m from California.  I will lie in the sun just as quickly as I will snuggle in my bed.  This didn’t actually make me feel any better.  It was fun while it lasted, though.  I returned home and to make a long, convoluted and semi-embarrassing story short, thought about doing something idiotic.  I told my boyfriend, indirectly, that the thought to do something idiotic had entered my mind.  He has been treating me like an idiot ever since.  Fantastic.  (I will be keeping all thoughts to myself from here on out).

I’ve always loved how men fixate on knowing you.  Or more particularly, the men in my life have always fixated on how they don’t really know me at all.  Since when did complete transparency become a requisite for a good relationship?  I’ve done what I’ve done, I occasionally do something dumb, I frequently consider doing something idiotic in some way or another and the only thing I don’t do is lie about it.

I usually try to bring closure to my blogs.  It seems unfair to leave you without the point of my story.  In this case, I don’t have one.  I don’t know what to say, but I’m open to suggestions.

XOXO

Men reach their sexual peak in adolescence.  Women do so at a much later stage in life.  Men can, essentially, have just one orgasm per day.  Sure, I know all of you are going to email me now telling me just how often you can get and keep your dick hard, but the reality is that men experience significantly less pleasure with each subsequent orgasm so let’s just agree and call it one good pop.  (My editorial staff agrees.  At least that is how I am going to interpret the cat licking me and the dog napping in my lap).  Women can not only have multiple orgasms, but my experience has been that they get incrementally better.  My favorite orgasm is always the third, after that I feel like there must be something more productive I could be doing and I usually haven’t written my blog.  Women are also wired to seek out older men.

This conversation inspired me to offer to give him a blow job in the car in hopes that he might return the favor while I drove home.  He apparently already came once today, so I went another few rounds with the Hitachi before I sat down to type this up.  I love a good irony, but I’m not a fan of the paradox.

At the time, I had decided that going straight to college after high school was the most idiotic decision I had made to date and was dancing in a gentlemen’s club in San Francisco and spending half my week sleeping in hostels.  My best friend was an aspiring nude photographer.  Ironically, none of these events had anything to do with my entrance into the porn industry a year later.

I now feel that dropping out of college to dance in San Francisco was the most idiotic thing I have done to date.  And I should have kept in touch with my best friend when I moved to LA because her photos were amazing and I generally spend my time now being photographed nude.  We were a match made in heaven.  (And did I mention she was a bisexual blonde; my favorite).

All of this came to mind because I am performing for Naughty America at their San Diego headquarters today in a series of live chats.  What this means is that I have spent the majority of today wasting time surfing the internet in an attempt to try to accomplish something productive.  I probably should have started with writing my blog.  Instead, I decided to tackle my on-going food dilemma.  The problem is that I spend an absolutely ridiculous amount of money on food.  I generally eat out or order in.  I’ve heard that one of the best ways to manage household expenses is to eat out less often and grocery shop.  I live with someone I truly believe has a bottomless stomach.  I am not kidding when I say that no matter what I buy at the grocery store tonight, I will be completely out of food within two days.  I mean ALL of it.  Most of it will be gone by tomorrow morning.  So, I actually eat out because that saves me money.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean I have a remotely reasonable food budget.  It just means I’ve chosen the lesser of two evils.  It’s really the equivalent of showing up to set and being given the choice of double-penetration or double-vag.  I’d walk off the set.  (Truly, I wouldn’t bother walking.  I would run.  I have what I deem a completely natural aversion to being fucked with two penises at the exact same time.  I am fairly confident it won’t be a comfortable fit, and there are some things I’d prefer to not have tried once).

Anyway, I searched through every pre-made food delivery or pick-up program in the greater Los Angeles area.  None of them really solved my dilemma.  I did some soul searching, I started this blog and then I got distracted reading a message board for strippers.  (Old habits die hard).  Strippers like to talk about their diets.  It’s a near constant source of conversation interest for them, and while it’s doubtfully the healthiest topic to dwell on, they are a vast wealth of information on the topic.  Especially, with my desire to try to eat vegan and organic, they seemed to repeat the same advice over and over again.  Grocery shop and prepare your meals at home.  Great.

Then I read a piece of advice I too have heard a million times.  It has been repeated to me so often that I generally disregard it for the simplicity in it’s design.  ”Plan a menu, shop and prepare meals once a week for the entire week and then enjoy the convenience and cost-savings benefits of your labor”.  This is apparently what my grandfather meant when he said there was a “right” way to do things.  The true genius of the plan, however, is in the delivery.  I can split the portions and label them.  If my other half chooses to eat Monday through Friday on Sunday night… well, I’ll bet he only makes that mistake once.

XOXO

However, I will give you that I am easily the most slender out of shape person I myself have ever encountered.  Never have I been more aware of this fact than today when I decided to hike up to Griffith Observatory in LA and check out the scenery.  I am aware that I need to get more physical activity, as an active lifestyle is a healthy lifestyle.  That is why I decided to hike up a mountain in the middle of summer in the first place.  I was unaware that it would be so difficult.  The end result is that I will be doing this on most of my weekends from here on out until it is significantly less so.

The Observatory was the perk I had intended, however.  I left my wallet in the car to avoid bulk, and was thus unable to go into the planetarium.  I put a couple quarters in the binoculars and spied a hot blonde sunbathing instead.  It was well worth the hike for the view.  Next time, however, I intend to see the stars in all their glory.  I am confident it will be equally entertaining.  I’m going in mid-afternoon though, just in case it turns out that I’d prefer to be spying on hot blondes.

Obviously, I have sex for a living.  That’s essentially the nuts and bolts of what I do.  (If you didn’t already know that then… SURPRISE!)  There are so many different personalities and reasons for women working in the adult industry.  A friend of mine says that girls do this job for sex, money and attention… with one of those reasons taking precedence on any given day.  That is probably very true.  I do have a personality that fits perfectly for this industry, however.

I am quite obviously bi-sexual.  I love girls!  I was thrilled to hear that another performer commented on set this week about how much I love girls.  (This was more exciting because I have never met her and I was not on this set).  To say sexuality in general and one person’s sexuality in particular is a marvellous and complicated creature would be a gross understatement.  I have an immense appetite for sex.  I’ve been called a nympho by quite a few guys who just couldn’t keep up.  Name calling isn’t nice and neither is denying me.  If you’re reading this right now you know who you are, and yes, I am obviously still frustrated.  I prefer to be in a monogamous and consistent relationship with men, and to have lots of casual sex with women on the side.  I get more excited about women, but I also get bored much more easily.

On occasion, a girl will really excite me.  This happened yesterday on set, and I said everything above to say this.  I came home crushing like a fourteen year old boy after his first kiss.  You know, the type of crush where I just need to rub one out and can’t get the thought of banging her out of my head.  I will, of course, not bore you with the details, but I will post the scene in my member’s area when we launch.

XOXO